Really.

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I once had a man, a late-50-something-year-old MAN, tell me that he thought the whole pregnancy mood swings and irritability thing was all just a convenient excuse for women to act crazy and irrational. In his opinion, it was “all in a woman’s head,” and the physical changes we underwent didn’t warrant the occasional outburst or unreasonable emotion. Instead, he thought pregnant women were “conditioned” to act crazy because people told us our hormones were raging. Mmmm hmmm. It’s no wonder pregnant women walk around ready to pop someone.

Let me borrow a line from the SNL Weekend Update team of Amy Poehler and Seth Meyers. Really. REALLY? Really, you think there’s nothing more going on than women wanting an excuse to act crazy.

Really, you think it’s no big deal that when you’re pregnant you’re either perpetually hungry, or perpetually too full, with rarely a time in between where you’re feeling just right? Really. And regardless of whether you feel hungry or too full, you also could be feeling like you’re ready to toss your cookies on a moment’s notice? Not to mention the gas and bloating? Really.

Really, I’m sure it’s not a problem that your pants don’t stay up, and since they don’t stay up, they’re always too long, which means you’re walking around tripping over them all the time, or dragging the bottoms through snow, water and salt during winter. I mean, that’s not annoying AT ALL. And that eventually you get to the point where even your maternity shirts aren’t long enough, and the bottom of your belly sticks out, and you’re subjected to wearing muumuus. Really.

Really, I’m sure you think it’s fine that at around 8 months of pregnancy you have what amounts to a small alien invasion happening in your body. I mean really. I’m sure you would do fine having ANOTHER HUMAN BEING — INSIDE.YOUR.BODY! DOING TAEBO WORKOUTS. “Kick. Kick. Roundhouse kick. Punch. Punch. Roundhouse kick. Squat. Squat. ONE MORE ROUNDHOUSE KICK.” Really, I’m sure you would be extremely comfortable.

Oh, and did I mention that while the ADDITIONAL HUMAN BEING IN YOUR BODY is doing Taebo workouts, they’re conveniently jumping on your bladder. So you literally feel like you have to go to the bathroom all.the.time.

Really, I bet it’s perfectly comfortable to try to maintain good posture while your body is so definitely NOT in balance. Really. The slouching, the backaches, the muscle and ligament pain is all just a figment of my imagination. Oh, you’ve never heard of round ligaments? Really? Oh, they’re the ligaments that help hold up a woman’s GIANT belly, and they’re in the groin area. That searing pain you can sometimes get, the kind of pain that takes your breath away and makes you never want to walk again, that’s really no big deal. Really. Because we all know how okay you are with pain IN YOUR GROIN. Really.

We can’t forget the sleepless nights, waddling walk, heartburn, indigestion, swelling, snuffy nose, bleeding gums, stretch marks, constipation, non-stop peeing in a cup, inability to tie shoes, oh, and the fact that THERE’S ANOTHER HUMAN BEING IN OUR BODIES. Really, these are just minor inconveniences that happen to continue for NINE MONTHS.

And you think this is AN EXCUSE!? REALLY!? I am basically walking around 50% irritated ALL THE TIME. And believe me. Women can find a lot less of a reason to act crazy.

Let me just ask you, what does YOUR body do that’s so special. Really.

P.S. To see one of Amy and Seth’s more stellar Really!?! clips, you have to watch this one about Gov. Blagojevich. It’s worth the wait throught the 30-second commercial.

http://www.nbc.com/saturday-night-live/video/clips/really-gov-blagojevich/881482/

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6 responses »

  1. I REALLY hope that said “man” was not Uncle Frank. And, the really miraculous thing about women is that even through all of that, we are willing to do it 2, 3, 4, 5 times over just to have our precious child. Even after 4 kiddos, I REALLY miss those days of being pregnant and feeling the miracle inside of me, and I would do it again in a heartbeat. Really.

    • Brooke, don’t worry, it wasn’t Frank. 🙂 Hahahahahahahaha. Oh my gosh, I think I would be in big trouble if I blogged about something my father-in-law said. No it was an editor I worked with and actually really liked. And not that I don’t like him now, it was just one of those comments where all I said was “Uh huh,” over and over again. No point in trying to persuade him he was wrong.

  2. Jen, your stories are hilarious! Really!! What a great way to look back, remember everything and laugh again. Great writing!

  3. Yup, that pretty much sums up being pregnant. I’ve never been able to wrap my head around how some women love being pregnant. The outcome? Sure, love that. The actual pregnancy? I’d just as soon skip it. All in your head (shakes head).

  4. Pingback: It’s Not All Bad – the Top 10 Things I Love About Being Pregnant « On the Night You Were Born

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