Top 5 Ways You Know Your Baby Has Been Inhabited by a Rhesus Monkey


So have you heard that rhesus monkeys are body snatching infants? Yeah. For realz. I know because it happened to Bean. It was the weirdest thing. About three weeks ago she just started making these awful, horrible screeching and screaming noises. The exact same screeching and screaming sounds that rhesus monkeys make. Not familiar with this nerve-grating, nails on chalkboard screeching I’m referring to? Oh, well check out the second track on this Web site.

At first Husband and I weren’t quite sure what to make of it. I mean this is Bean — our normally laid back, easy going child — not to be confused with our other Monkey. We chalked it up to “teething” or “just being tired.” Until it started happening 10 minutes after she woke up from a good night’s sleep or a nice nap. And continued all throughout the day. ALL. DAY. LONG. Not even the administration of drugs could keep the screeching at bay. And she’s as healthy as a horse, what with just having had her six-month well check and weighing in at a whopping 21 pounds 13.4 ounces.

It seems pretty much every time we aren’t holding her, Bean begins her screeching. Setting her on the floor with toys — cue screeching. Putting her in her high chair — prompt screeching. Laying her back to change her — commence screeching. Even the sensation of being lowered to the ground — you guessed it — screeching.

And then it dawned on us. Ooooh, yes. The rhesus monkey baby body snatchers. After exhausting all other possibilities for Bean’s newfound penchant for ear drum piercing, the only obvious conclusion was that her body has been inhabited by a rhesus monkey. DUH!

We found the following checklist that you may find helpful in determining if your own baby has been snatched. Check all those that apply.

  1. Rhesus monkeys are characterized as a vociferous monkey. They are active and noisy.
  2. Rhesus monkeys have close-cropped hair which accentuates their very expressive faces.
  3. The monkey has specialized pouch-like cheeks.
  4. These intelligent animals can adapt to many habitats, and some even become accustomed to living in human communities.
  5. These monkeys spend a lot of time on the ground.

If you have only one check, you’re baby’s probably fine. If you have three or more check marks, the possibility is strong that your baby has been monkey snatched. We had five checks.

Damn imposters.

P.S. Today is my first blogiversary! One year ago today I started this crazy ride of a mom blog with my first-ever post. I’ll catch up with you next week about what life looks like on the other side.

Shrieky monkeys!


One response »

  1. Pingback: A Year in Review « On the Night You Were Born

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