This is Not About How to Get Bikini-Ready


So you know how articles always suck you in with the “Do’s and Don’ts” of something? The “Eat this, Not That,” or the “Top 10 Ways to Get Bikini Ready?”

Well this is not that. After five days with my poor pukey Monkey, this is my short little list of the top 7 things you can do when find yourself with a puking child in a restaurant. And I’m not talking about your 18-year-old+ child. Those idiots can fend for themselves.

(Note: This pertains to a rather small puke, unlike the massive one she had on Sunday at a family graduation party. Look for those Do’s and Don’ts in the next edition of “How to Help Your Child Puke in Public”)

  • DO grab the nearest thing on the table and throw it under their face.
  • DO hold up a napkin with your other hand to save your tablemates the view and to shield your child from the rest of the restaurant.
  • DO act like nothing’s going on. (“Nothin’ to see here, folks.”)
  • DO send someone at the table to get a back-up puke holder, just in case.
  • DO judge the waitress for providing MOIST TOWELETTES after she was informed that we needed some help due to a child throwing up. (Umm, really? That’s it? What if it had been a MASSIVE puking? You brought a couple of 5×5-inch wet squares? Really? No extra napkins? No voice of concern? Instead you spent the rest of the evening avoiding our looks and hoping we wouldn’t ask you to get involved in anything. Was that the best you could do??. P.S. your skirt was so short I thought we were at Hooter’s. Oh, and you look too old to be wearing it too.)
  • DO discreetly cover the puke plate with napkins and hide it under other plates.
  • DO hope the snotty, good for nothing, unempathetic waitress spills it on herself when she clears the table. (After all, for as hard as she was trying to avoid clearing the plates, in an effort to avoid “THE” plate, it’s only fair that I hope she spill it on herself. Serves her right. Ass hat.)

So there you have it folks! My simple 7-step process for helping your kids puke in public! Easy peasy.

Have you ever endured your child getting sick in public? Was it mortifying? Luckily this really wasn’t because it was an especially loud restaurant and we had a wall on one side of us. What did you do?


6 responses »

  1. Good job with that! My situation was when your kid pukes when their riding in a friends car without the parents and the friends end up dealing with it! OH,Sorry!!

  2. I always felt bad for the kids who puke on the bus or at school. I still think the janitors use that stinky pink stuff to clean it up!!! What is that??? It smells almost worse than the puke!

    • Ewwww. I remember that. Puking at school was pretty embarrassing. Especially because you’re old enough to know that it’s embarrassing.

  3. Hahahahahaha, LOVE the commentary on the waitress.

    I remember as a kid I threw up in a friend’s car. Their Mom acted like it was no big deal because I was so embarrassed. She obviously had it happen before because she whipped out a box of kleenex, air freshner and a plastic bag out of nowhere and had it mostly taken care of at a traffic light. She didn’t even have to pull over!

  4. Love this list…I should print it for future reference. My sister-in-law had a similar experience recently at a crowded Red Robin and she must have had the same waitress because after her son puked ALL OVER their table, the waitress came by asking if they wanted dessert and if they had a Red Robin discount card to which my S-I-L exclaimed, “He just puked EVERYwhere! We need a towel.” Poor kiddos, there’s nothing worse than puking in public.

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