Heads or Tails

I don’t really know what to make of it. At nearly nine months old, I still can’t quite figure Bean out — her personality that is. I just don’t know what to make of her. For the first three months of her life I labeled her as easy going, laid back, and chill. She could fall asleep anywhere, anytime. She would fall asleep at night VERY quickly and easily, after being laid down fully awake but sleepy (AT TWO MONTHS OLD!). She would fall asleep in her little rocker, without anyone rocking her to sleep. She would fall asleep in the car. And she would sleep for a loooong time. For naps she would sleep at least two hours, three times a day.

And she rarely fussed. She did not have an insatiable need to be held. In fact, I spent a lot of her early months feeling guilty for not holding her MORE, because she was always sleeping, and when she was awake, I was holding her some, but she also was being laid down a fair amount so I could attend to her older sister.

And all of this sleeping was oh so contrary to all of my experiences with Monkey at this early age, where sleep was a daily struggle. And, Monkey always wanted to be held. From the moment she was born she wanted to be UP. She wanted to be AWAKE. She wanted to be ENGAGED. She wanted to SEE. Monkey’s personality was so evident from so early on. She was a handful. She was busy. She never stopped moving. She was opinionated.

At four months, something with Bean changed. It was as if she hit four months old and suddenly became fully enthralled with this big world. And she developed this personality. I’m not kidding you — it was sudden and dramatic. It was night and day. Like someone flipped a switch. She had been, “sleep, sleep, sleep, eat, sleep, sleep sleep, what? we have another kid in the house?” To “I’M HERE. LOOK AT ME. HOLD ME. I WANT TO SEE. I WANT TO EXPERIENCE. HOLD ME, HOLD ME, HOLD ME, HOLD ME, HOLD ME.”

And while we have gone through our share of sleep fluctuations with Bean, the fact remains that she still loves to sleep. It’s very normal for her to take two 2-hour naps. In fact, last week she slept for over 2.5 hours, woke up close to 4:30 p.m. and then was yawning, cranky and irritable for the rest of the night because she apparently was still tired. Ca-ra-zy.

(I do have to point out though, that these naps only take place at her Nana’s house; when she’s home with us on weekends or on my days off, she naps like crap. This is the same thing Monkey would do, and at the time the girls’ doctor assured me it was only because she wanted to spend more time with exciting mom and dad. I still think it sucks.)

And I wonder, was I mistaking her desire to sleep as having a laid back personality? Because the more and more time goes on, the less and less I think she is “laid back.”

Now, Bean never stops moving. She’s SO physical! And I thought Monkey was physical, but Bean has outpaced her!

She is vocal — we’ve probably had more crying and fussing in the last two months than we did in her first six months combined! And the crying and fussing reach extreme levels when she’s tired, which she seems to be a lot; because as I’ve already covered, she really loves to sleep.

She is a handful. She is opinionated. Especially when it comes to eating in her high chair, which she doesn’t favor. She is persistent — whether it’s objects she’s trying to grasp, or my leg that she’s trying to crawl up. And she’s always trying to crawl up on me. Like she needs to be ON me at all times.

Which brings me to, “why does she need to be ON me at all times?” I know, this is the age for separation anxiety. Plus, I think she’s teething. But it is all. the. time. And hell hath no fury like a separation anxiety-riddled baby who has been set down. Talk about fussing and crying!

Am I not remembering the crying and the furious crawling after? Perhaps partial amnesia is to blame. I also know that while Monkey experienced separation anxiety, I do not think it was to this degree. Is Bean going through this because I didn’t hold her enough as a tiny infant?

I wonder, if because I pre-labeled Bean as “easy going,” do I give her less slack than I did her sister, who I labeled “spirited.” I wonder if I’m more easily frustrated by certain things she does because I’m expecting her to go with my flow, instead of expecting her to hold, and vociferously express, her opinion the way Monkey did from day one.

Am I mistaking her naturally growing and expanding brain and curiosity about the world as being “spirited?” I mean, maybe this is just the natural progression of things. Even laid back people have opinions.

Does she push the limits like Monkey did? I don’t know yet. I don’t even think Monkey really “pushed the limits” until she was over a year. Am I just not remembering what it was like at nine months?

Is she somewhere in the middle?

I don’t know exactly why I am so obsessed with figuring this out. Maybe it’s because Monkey’s personality was so evident from such an early age, and I’ve never experienced this type of evolution. Why am I in such a hurry to label my youngest daughter? My student council days taught me to “label jars, not people,” yet here I am. Trying to label!!

I think it’s because I just want her to be happy and to attend to her needs. And I feel like if I can figure her out, then I can better attend to her needs?

Or maybe it’s because I’m flummoxed by all the changes Bean is going through. And I hate being flummoxed. I’m reminded that the only constant in a baby’s life (or anyone’s) is change. And babies change so, so rapidly, which is very contrary to my way of life, which I prefer to be run clearly, precisely, and orderly. I also have an oppressing need to KNOW things, everything. Because, you know, when you KNOW things, you can control them, and let’s be honest. Ultimately I just want to control things. Gee, I think I just saved myself a bundle on therapy.

But I still don’t know the answer to the question of her personality!

Do you think your baby was “laid back?” What characteristics did they display that made you think that? Are they still like that now that they’re older? And what made you think your baby was “spirited?” Is your child still spirited? Did your baby’s personality evolve over time, or was it evident from the very beginning?

Save me from myself! 😉

MOM System

Okay, so check this out. In my real life, aside from being a mom, I work at home doing freelance public relations and writing. Most of the time, it’s about pretty technical things like automation, control and manufacturing. And while this probably sounds EXTREMELY boring, I actually enjoy it and find it interesting.

ESPECIALLY when I find a corollary to my life as a mom. So recently I was interviewing someone about a Manufacturing Execution System (MES) and he mentioned that the manufacturing industry is changing the name of MES systems to MOM systems — Manufacturing Operations Management.

What? You don’t find this funny? You don’t see THE IRONY??

Okay, well an MES system is a suite of manufacturing operational software that connects to multiple plant and business systems, collects the relevant data and presents it as easy-to-understand, real-time intelligence for productivity analysis, data mining, querying and reporting. An MES system can help you identify bottlenecks, analyze production downtime causes and energy management, calculate key performance indicators (KPIs), understand your work-in-progress, track the real costs of production, and many more operational performances issues.

(at what point did your eyes glaze over?)

What!? You STILL don’t find it funny??

Let me break it down for you.

An MES system is:

Software (mom’s brain)

That connects to multiple plant and business systems (spouse, children, school, work, home)

Collects relevant data (children’s and spouse’s schedules; play dates; doctor’s appointments; clothing and shoe sizes of every family member; contents of pantry and refrigerator; supplies needed for school/daycare; immunizations required; daily intake of children’s fruits and vegetables; recommendations on pediatric dentists; educating oneself about any number of topics, not to exclude best techniques for discipline, potty training and how to get your child to broccoli; birthdays; anniversaries; dates of holiday family gatherings on both sides; … uh, not to mention everything required for any work that’s outside the home)

And presents it as easy-to-understand, real-time intelligence (may exist in rudimentary lists, a calendar, or electronic planner, but probably all three; also, constant verbal communication to tell spouse and children everything that needs to be done)

For productivity analysis, data mining, querying and reporting (to coordinate activities and process information in the most succinct and orderly way possible so mom, spouse and children can make the best decisions and achieve optimum life satisfaction and achievement)

An MES system can help you:

Identify bottlenecks (being overscheduled)

Analyze production downtime causes (my kid refused to take a nap, which lead to incessant whining and non-stop temper tantrums, which lead to a time-out combined with refusal to put on own shoes and a last-minute potty request = why we were late)

Analyze energy management (no analysis needed — there’s never enough energy due to frequent production downtime causes and too much relevant data)

Calculate key performance indicators (my kid is potty trained! my kid sleeps through the night! my kid said sh*t for the first time!)

Understand your work-in-progress (my kid will eat broccoli, but not tomatoes)

Track the real costs of production (my efforts to produce a toddler who goes to sleep at night cost me $49.99 for the My Tot Clock, a gate, and countless hours of my sanity)

And many more operational performances issues (i.e. lack of a morning exercise routine due to a certain 8-month-old’s frequent early morning awakenings and my inability to go to bed earlier)

Um, does anyone else out there feel like they’re a walking, talking MOM system, without the benefit of super awesome computer software to keep it all organized?? I mean, some companies spend thousands and thousands of dollars to do what a mom does every day — help their business (family) run better.

Ultimately, I’m the planner in my family, as are most moms I think.

For example:

If we’re going somewhere, I’m the one organizing the lists of things we need to take a long.

If we need to bring a dish to pass to the above-mentioned event, I’m the one thinking ahead about the groceries we need to buy, and then mentally scheduling a time to make the food, and many times (though not all), actually making it.

I’m the one making sure the Halloween costumes are washed, that we have the right color leggings to go underneath, and that we remember the Halloween candy buckets.

I’m the one making the doctor appointments, and compiling our list of questions to ask the doctor at the next well visit.

I’m the one deciding what clothes and shoes to buy for the next season, agonizing over what size to get so that they’re not overly big at the beginning of the season and too small by the end of it.

I’m the one deciding when to change the clothes over for the next season, then washing and folding the new clothes and storing the old clothes.

Now let me just say that I AM NOT trying to say that my husband doesn’t do anything. Far, FAR from it. In fact, he is INCREDIBLE, and takes on MANY responsibilities in running our house. For example, I don’t clean our house. I organize it and he’s the one who actually cleans it. He does at least half the laundry. He is an active participant in parenting and discipline. He’s always willing to make meals, do dishes, help feed the kids and give baths. And of course he works EXTREMELY hard outside of our home too.

But I think the main difference between the two of us is that, in general, I walk around on a day-to-day basis with my brain LOADED with this type of information. It’s just always THERE. All of these little bits of information and things that I need to do, floating around and bugging me. Whereas my husband (like most husbands, although I hate to generalize), relies on me to be the keeper, the processor, and the organizer of this information (the MOM system!!) so that I can then tell him what needs to be done; after which he is happy to help execute.

Every family has their own division of labor between the husband and the wife, and every family has to figure out what works for them. In the past, I think the reason I’ve found it necessary to justify (to myself) how much work it is to be the MOM system is in part because I’ve spent a lot of time feeling guilty over the fact that my husband does so much stuff around our house — i.e. cleaning, cooking, and doing dishes and laundry — that our society tells us are things women do. I used to feel so guilty that he did all the cleaning and that 9 times out of 10 he does the dishes, etc., etc. But I’ve gotten over it, because it’s a lot of work to be the MOM system!

And let’s be totally honest, I’m a control freak I have a knack for doing this type of thing. So it’s my natural tendency to WANT to do it. Because no one could do it as good as me, see?

Okay, I’m sorry if you couldn’t see the irony between a MOM system and a real-life mom. I’ve always said that I’m easily amused.

I’m curious, in your family is it the real-life mom who plays the role of the MOM system, or is it the dad? Do you other moms feel like you’re walking around with a brain full of exploding bits of information? How do you divide labor in your house?

The Best Day

It was probably late last fall when the song really caught my attention. Before Bean was even born. I was driving to an outlet mall to find some outfits for the baby, and possibly something coordinating that the two girls could wear for Bean’s newborn photos. I was driving home and popped in my Taylor Swift Fearless CD. A CD that I’ve listened to hundreds of times, especially the beginning songs because I like Love Story, White Horse and You Belong with Me. But it was towards the end of the CD, the second to last song, actually, when I paused. I hadn’t really listened to the lyrics of this song before, and as I did, driving 75 mph down the highway, I started crying. Because it was a song Taylor wrote for her mom, about all of the best days she’d had with her.

So I’ve got a little crush on Taylor Swift. I know that I’m a little out of her (ahem) target demographic, but I just REALLY love her. And yes, I am well aware that her live performances are sometimes a little … out of tune, but I don’t care. Plus they’ve gotten much better! And you can’t deny the girl has honest-to-God talent. Anyone who can not only write the lyrics, compose the music, sing the songs, AND play an instrument is beyond talented to me.

I think one of the reasons I love Taylor so much is that her music is so much about love, and it’s so relatable. As an added bonus, I never have to turn her music off when I’m listening in front of the kids. (I’ve recently started realizing that I need to censor the music and radio stations I listen to because Monkey picks up on everything.)

Not to mention that I think she’s handled her success INCREDIBLY well, considering she was only 16 years old when she released her self-titled album in 2006 with the single Tim McGraw, that got mine and everyone else’s attention. In fact, both of those albums sold a combined four million copies! Which made her the best-selling musician of the year in the U.S. in 2008. And yeah, that was when she was 18 years old.

So not only do I have tremendous respect for her talent, but also for the fact that she hasn’t turned into Lindsay Lohan (shudder), or Britney Spears (yikes). Two girls who were talented and incredibly young — a combination that did not serve them well.

In a culture where Taylor so easily could have been swayed by instant fame, success and accolades, she has remained a role model. And I have a sneaking suspicion that at least one contributing factor was that she had a stable upbringing with two parents who were more concerned about imparting values and morals than they were about fame.

In our era of pushy stage moms (a la Dina Lohan and Lynne Spears) who seem to seek fame and success at almost any cost for their kids, it appears that Taylor’s parents kept her grounded.

Obviously I don’t know that for sure, but it’s what I’ve observed in reading and watching interviews.

(And in case you’re wondering, I’m not hating on Lindsay and Britney. I sincerely hope that Lindsay gets her life back on track and receives the help she needs, and I hope that Britney continues in her positive direction.)

And that brings me back to my original point. She wrote a song. About her mom. And how meaningful that relationship is to her. And that’s what got me crying. Her song is like a parenting dream come true — she’s describing simple days and moments she spent with her mom and saying it was “the best day.”

I thought about writing this post a year ago when the song first caught my attention. But I never did. And then a few weeks ago I turned on my iTunes while working in the kitchen and the song came on, and I just stood there crying. Again. I think this song is personally meaningful to me because it represents what I hope my girls will remember about me as a mom. About us as parents. And how I hope we’ll parent them.

Primarily that we taught them morals and values; that we didn’t give in so that they would “like” us and we would be the “popular” parents, but that we were firm about decisions that were in their best interest; that we supported them through anything and everything; that they knew they could always count on us. That they know how much we love them.

And that they grow up knowing that they are our whole world and that we would do anything for them, and that we are treasuring each day. And I hope their best days with us aren’t just the really, really big exciting days, like the going to see Sesame Street Live! days (which Monkey doesn’t even know about yet), but also the ordinary, had a bad day at school, days.

Yes, in case you haven’t gathered, I am an emotional, sappy person who just about drowns in my own tears and floats away during movies. In fact, I really want to go see the new Katherine Heigl and Josh Duhamel movie, Life as We Know It about two people who are asked to raise their friends’ baby after they die. OMG. That is my worst nightmare and I don’t even know if I can bring myself to see it. It’s only gotten worse since I had kids. Ironically I get it from my dad, not my mom. 😉

And just in case you thought this post couldn’t get much sappier, check this out. Taylor gives a cut by cut account of how she came to write each song on her Fearless album. This is what she has to say about The Best Day:

I wrote this song on the road and didn’t tell my mom about it. I decided that I was going to keep it a secret and give it to her as a surprise for Christmas. I wrote it in the summer and then recorded it secretly with the band in the studio. After it was done, I synched the song up to all these home videos of her, and my family.

She didn’t even realize it was me singing until halfway through the song! She didn’t have any idea that I could possibly write and record a song without her knowing about it. When she finally got it, she just started bawling her eyes out.

Insert hysterical bawling here. She created a video montage of home movies with her and her mom and used the song she wrote as the track??? OMG. What mom WOULDN’T start bawling!?

Lucky for us, here’s the official video, complete with the photo montage. Yes, I cried.

Here are the lyrics:

The Best Day (Taylor Swift)

I’m five years old, it’s getting cold, I’ve got my big coat on
I hear your laugh and look up smiling at you, I run and run
Past the pumpkin patch and the tractor rides, look now, the sky is gold
I hug your legs and fall asleep on the way home

I don’t know why all the trees change in the fall
But I know you’re not scared of anything at all
Don’t know if Snow White’s house is near or far away
But I know I had the best day with you today

I’m thirteen now and don’t know how my friends could be so mean
I come home crying and you hold me tight and grab the keys
And we drive and drive until we found a town far enough away
And we talk and window shop ’til I’ve forgotten all their names

I don’t know who I’m gonna talk to now at school
But I know I’m laughing on the car ride home with you
Don’t know how long it’s gonna take to feel okay
But I know I had the best day with you today

I have an excellent father, his strength is making me stronger
God smiles on my little brother, inside and out, he’s better than I am
I grew up in a pretty house and I had space to run
And I had the best days with you

There is a video I found from back when I was three
You set up a paint set in the kitchen and you’re talking to me
It’s the age of princesses and pirate ships and the seven dwarfs
And Daddy’s smart and you’re the prettiest lady in the whole wide world

 

And now I know why all the trees change in the fall
I know you were on my side even when I was wrong
And I love you for giving me your eyes
For staying back and watching me shine
And I didn’t know if you knew, so I’m takin’ this chance to say
That I had the best day with you today

And in a coincidence, we went to the pumpkin farm two weekends ago, and guess who fell asleep in the car? And guess who’s been telling everyone about the leaves changing colors and falling off the trees (but obviously doesn’t know why yet)? Monkey. Because I told her that.

What do you hope your kids will remember as their “best day.” How do you hope to parent? What’s the best day you remember as a kid?

!!! Fall Edition

(Things that made me happy with week, Fall Edition)

Early trick-or-treating with cousins, and butterfly costumes.

Fall walks on a trail near our house,

That lend themselves to photos like these,

And treasures like these leaves and this milkweed pod, and the apples we bought at a local orchard. We used to make Christmas ornaments out of milkweed pods when I was in grade school. I felt almost giddy when I showed it to Monkey and taught her how to open it up to reveal the feathery seeds inside. It was a mixture of happy memories, excitement at watching my daughter learn about her world, and the realization that I had someone who would bring me a milkweed pod ornament. My parents still have those ornaments and hang them on the tree.

Homemade apple pie made with the apples from the orchard. I forgot to take a picture before we dug in. Oops! I actually made two pies — one for us, and one for my brother and his fiancé, which brings me to …

My brother has moved back to Milwaukee!! He and his fiancé are back in town and we hope they stay a long time. His fist pump = my feelings exactly. Love.

A loaf of my grandma’s homemade bread. Unbelievable when toasted with butter. You’ve died and gone to heaven when you use it for French toast. You can use her bread to barter for things in our family.

Living in the country, especially on a gorgeous fall morning. It just makes me look up at the sky and say, “Good morning, God.”

What made you !!! this week?